this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
