What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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