addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
