Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
