The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
