No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
