You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
