...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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