the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
