Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
