I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
