Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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