I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
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We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
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Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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