When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
