I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
