I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just blew my weed a kiss
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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