I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
