I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
