i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Say something about gay babies.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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