In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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