I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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