A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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