I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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