I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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