If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
