My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
