If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
