Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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