when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
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Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
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Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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