Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
