I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
