Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I did not marry a roomba.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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