why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
