I will die if light touches me.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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