I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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