did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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