I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My bed smells like the plague
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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