whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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