i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
