i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
