OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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