We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
