You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
