I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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