You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
