Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
