my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
