Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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