how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
