dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
