So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
