meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
